After all this kind of fanfare, and even more, I came to a point where I needed solitude and to just stop the machine of 'thinking' and 'enjoying' what they call 'living,' I just wanted to lie in the grass and look at the clouds...
-Jack Kerouac, Lonesome Traveler

It is not physical solitude that actually separates one from others; not physical isolation, but spiritual isolation. It is not the desert island nor the stony wilderness that cuts you from the people you love. It is the wilderness in the mind, the desert wastes in the heart through which one wanders lost and a stranger. When one is a stranger to oneself then one is estranged from others too. If one is out of touch with oneself, then one cannot touch others. How often in a large city, shaking hands with my friends, I have felt the wilderness stretching between us. Both of us were wandering in arid wastes, having lost the springs that nourished us -- or having found them dry. Only when one is connected to one's own core is one connected to others, I am beginning to discover. And, for me, the core, the inner spring, can best be refound through solitude. -Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea

I find it wholesome to be alone the greater part of the time. To be in company, even with the best, is soon wearisome and dissipating. I love to be alone. I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude. We are for the most part more lonely when we go abroad among men than when we stay in our chambers. A man thinking or working is always alone, let him be where he will. Solitude is not measured by the miles of space that intervene between a man and his fellows. -Henry David Thoreau, Walden

"The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till the other is ready, and it may be along time before they get off." -Henry David Thoreau, Walden, 1854

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Solitude...writings on the subject are very telling about the author's preferences and tendency toward introversion or extraversion. Personally, I re-energize in solitude. I am certain that this is one of the reasons I have such difficulty with having caregivers in my home. Sharing what precious little personal time I have with someone else is draining, even though that help is needed and appreciated.

Of course there are other factors as well, such as the longing for independence. This "need" can be viewed in many different ways, both positive and negative. I am reluctant to admit that I require help or have to ask for it - character flaw? pride? fear of rejection? fear of being seen as weak? feeling unworthy of other's time and efforts? or just that age old "not good enough" issue? Regardless of the source or label, it is...

Relationship is essential for balance and character development. I prefer to choose with whom to relate and when to do so. Others may be energized and renewed in the midst of a crowd and view solitude as a form of torture. Thank goodness for these differences! Without diversity, any hope of balance would be lost.

See Pearl Buck's statement about living alone. She and Thoreau might have presented an interesting debate on the subject of solitude! Buck does make a good argument for the importance of relationship. Kerouac and Lindbergh explain clearly their need for solitude as well (see above quotations).

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The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration. -Pearl Buck, To My Daughters, with Love (1967)

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The issue I'm struggling with right now is not really any of the above (except for wanting to just lie on the grass and look at the clouds!). It is more of whether I am overestimating my abilities and using my personal preferences to support my choices and behavior. Do I need a reality check from the "outside" or am I being reasonable to keep pushing myself to the limits of what I think might be possible? Also, I wonder sometimes if I am pushing hard enough?

The issue of living in the present with what is and the uncertainty of what might be seems to me to be the repetitive theme. When will I ever be able to just lean back and "let life unfold according to its own plan"? According to Ruiz and Buddha, I am creating unnecessary suffering - duh!!! When will this message solidify in my psyche???

As I write this, I am remembering the difference between now and when I was in the rehab hospital. Living in the moment was the only way to be during that time and accepting help was clearly necessary. Why should now be different? Reminder to self...don't lose the lesson!!!

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Our minds have the need to “know.” When we don’t know, we make assumptions - they make us feel safer than not knowing. And we are pretty much always making assumptions. We assume that we know how someone is going to react to us. We assume that our efforts will or will not be successful. And not only do we believe our assumptions about what other people are thinking, but then we end up taking those assumptions personally and even end up resenting the person. To avoid assumptions, ask questions. It takes courage to trust the present moment, to allow other people to be exactly who they are, and to let life unfold according to its own plan… and it avoids a great deal of suffering. -Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements