"The fastest way to succeed is to look as if you're playing by somebody else's rules, while quietly playing by your own." -Michael Konda

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"I think the reward for conformity is everyone likes you but yourself." -Rita Mae Brown

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"The American ideal, after all, is that everyone should be as much alike as possible."
-James Baldwin

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"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect."
-Mark Twain

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Today is one of those days. Slept too late, as has become my norm lately. When I woke up, today was different. My legs were relaxed and did not spasm all night, my catheter did not malfunction, and my mind did not automatically jump into that self-berating mode about the time of day it happens to be. Nor did it start listing all of the things I have to do and those things not done. What is so different today?

Two things immediately come to mind - Haley is in Nashville having fun with her friends for the weekend to celebrate one of the girls' birthday and I did some fun things last night out of my apartment. I went to a birthday dinner for a friend. I was almost an hour late, so they had already finished their meals (I called to tell them I would be late and to please start without me). I arrived in time for dessert and coffee, but I arrived and did not cancel. Believe me, I thought about canceling. In spite of my best plans, I still did not calculate my timing correctly. I'm glad I went. It was nice to see everyone.

I wondered afterwards about my reason for being late. As the gathering wound down and people left to go home, the conversation shifted to the usual "how are you doing and what's new". I have nothing new to report other than PT is winding down, I'm driving some, and I casually mentioned that I'm not doing so well emotionally and was making an appointment with a therapist. In some ways I wanted to be real with this group of friends, but when I stated that I might not be able to walk more than I am able to now, the comments were mixed. They ranged from "it's ok to be tired and take a break" to "for now anyway". One friend said, it sounds like you are in a transition phase (hit the nail on the head! perceptive!)

I want to talk about what's going on, but not at my friend's birthday dinner. It seems that the days of just being able to blend in and listen to everyone are gone. Perhaps it will just take time for friends to accept that I will probably be in this wheelchair when we're together. I know that's what I'm trying to accept and justify. Is it ok to take a break? Is it ok to be tired and feel that I might have to be stuck in this chair most of the time? Am I just being lazy and giving up? Maybe I need to attend gatherings of my friends differently and more often now that I can drive so we can get past this wheelchair thing.

After the dinner, I went to a movie by myself. A movie that I know none of my friends would want to see. Another first...to drive myself to a theater at night on a Friday at peak movie attendance time. It was good to see what I wanted and at a time of my chosing. I had my late "dinner" after the movie - a coke float and a snack size grilled chicken wrap. I was still not sleepy when I returned home, so sat up most of the night working on the computer with the TV on softly in the background.

Perhaps my lack of stress over a late awakening time relates to fitting in to the "normal" schedule of others. While I know it is more functional to go to sleep at a reasonable time and awaken in the morning like most of the rest of the people in my world, maybe this is not so dysfunctional in my personal world. I'm at least getting 8 to 9 hours of sleep. Maybe this is part of the isolating I'm doing to allow time to adjust to this transition alone and apart from others. I know it cannot continue if I value personal relationships, but maybe today I felt no pressure to conform. Could that be the difference or am I just trying to rationalize my behavior?

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After reading quotes about conformity, I wonder if my expectations and definition of "normal" are getting in the way of me being who I am? Thought to ponder...reframes the discussion...